Asking for a friend. No seriously, I’m trying to figure out how to best explain this to a friend as I’m having trouble enumerating how I can do it.
For me, it’s just such a rare treat to have time to myself, so I like it. If you mean without a partner or family, I dunno either, I did enjoy being alone in that way too. I guess I think if you aren’t happy with yourself, you aren’t going to fix that by being with someone else.
If it’s literal loneliness, I would say make sure to build habits that involve others. Go to yoga class, don’t do it at home. Go get coffee every morning at the same local place. Walk your dog, sit on your front step. Get a job that isn’t done at home. Be in the world, don’t isolate yourself.
I try to be happy with whatever happens and do not happen. Not just by being by myself. That’s the secret. At least, that’s mine.
I’ve happily been sharing my life with my spouse for 25 years and counting, I have a lifelong best friend (like a real best friend, since we were 14, now nearing our 60s) and I do enjoy meeting interesting people (provided they’re not the kind to be constantly sweating hate and anger toward the rest of the world) but, at the exact same time, I love being alone by myself. Meaning I never feel bored or lonely (there are too many things I want to do, and not enough time to do them). I also don’t feel any need to always be in the company of people: I enjoy time for myself. But when I’m not alone I will do my best to enjoy the company, at least at small doses ;)
Cats. Cats and some hobbies that i can do alone(gardening, cycling, baking). And cats.
Did i mentioned cats? And cats.
Have you leash trained your cats so they can garden with you? I’ve been trying but man is it a pain
Quality self-care takes effort. Junk food, TV and masturbation are bad self care. Meditation, yoga, cleaning your space, study for career or philosophy are good self care.
Call me crazy but I’d argue that masturbation and sex-positivity is actually pretty damn important to learning how to be happy alone.
Being single doesn’t me an being a monk or depriving yourself of nice things.
Take yourself and friends out to dinner and movies, buy yourself and your family nice gifts, and yes, learn how to sexually satisfy yourself too without shame and negativity.
The idea that you can’t enjoy your sexuality without a partner is kind of depressing. Sex-positivity is empowering.
I agree. That was an early morning insomnia comment. Junk food, tv and masturbation are all fine in moderation but they can easily become a problem for people who are stuck in a mental hole.
Just wanna add that you can start with one of those. Doesnt have to be all at once. Cooking really is great tho and cheaper too.
IMO you should start being grateful for what you already have beside it being earned or just born with it instead of focusing on what you don’t have.
I’m not qualified, but something that might aid in your efforts is focusing on the flaws inherent in getting fulfillment from other people and the cycle of misery it can bring when it doesn’t pan out exactly as you intended. See: codependency. Obviously don’t phrase this like you won’t be there for them, but more just that they need to be there for themself too.
Meditation.
I think you can do it, but some people will struggle. As others have already mentioned, humans are social animals. Many studies conclude that social connection is one of the biggest factors that boosts well-being (https://hsph.harvard.edu/news/the-importance-of-connections-ways-to-live-a-longer-healthier-life/), this doesn’t necessarily mean that you should marry someone and become a social butterfly, it just means that you should avoid isolation for long periods of time.
I’ll take a stab at this. Being happy by yourself is about finding contentment and satisfaction with your life that doesn’t depend on external validation or reinforcement.
The first step is always going to be finding things you like and that motivate you. You have to take care to check in with yourself and decide whether the things you are doing are motivated by habit, by social desire, or by your own desire. The things you are looking for are the ones that fall in the last category. You’ll have to be honest with yourself to figure those things out.
Second step is going to be constructing goals from some of those desires. Not everything you like will be worth making goals from, but think about how you can make those things better and more fulfilling for you. Do you want to get better at whatever it is, as a skill? Do you want to share the product of crafts with others? Do you want to make it easier and more accessible for yourself?Figure out if any if these desires or activities can evolve to be more.
Third is making changes in your lifestyle to match. Reorient your life to your motivations. Figure out how to balance working towards your goals and indulging your whims. This is where the happiness and contentment on your own should be. If you are doing things you love regularly, and working towards goals that you want to achieve, that should bring a sense of fulfillment and contentment that doesn’t rely on other people to support it.
Once I really really understood that there’s not a way it’s “supposed to be”, everything got a lot easier.
I think the majority of people would not be happy for long, by themselves. Humans are pretty codependent by nature, for better or worse. Despite myself being a person who has discovered themselves to be much happier and healthier solo, I’ve come to the conclusion over the years that it’s pretty pointless to try to convince others of the merit.
I just spend a little time around other people. That usually does the trick.
That’s a super general question…
But in general it’s just understanding what makes people happy: dopamine. And then understanding how that specific person varies from average.
Like, it’s entirely possible they keep doing all things that would make most people happy, and they’re just wired differently so it’s not working.
So people can help someone learn to be happy. But you can’t really help someone learn how to help someone else.
But before you can do that you need to determine if you’re just trying to make them feel happy for an afternoon, or you’re going to try and help them change their behaviors so they feel happier on their own long term. Those are two very different things.
For the super general advice:
To feel happier, talk with them about what they’re doing that is helping their situation. Our brains are dumb and will dump dopamine for saying “I’ll do ____” almost as much as actually doing it.
But if you want to improve their lives so they’re naturally happier it’s the opposite. You want them to talk less about what they’re doing, and instead set very easily obtainable goals so their brain gets used to giving dopamine only for accomplishing things
It’s a short term/long term thing.
Like, are you trying to stop someone from going SAD in the next 24 hours, or is your friend just constantly a little bummed out the last year?
But in general it’s just understanding what makes people happy: dopamine. And then understanding how that specific person varies from average.
Like, it’s entirely possible they keep doing all things that would make most people happy, and they’re just wired differently so it’s not working.
This is where my answer would go to. I’d extend on what you said about dopamine though in two specific directions:
- Learn what drives you as an individual. Besides chemical inducements, what actions/accomplishments/behaviors give you a sense of satisfaction? For most there is some form of creative or active pursuit like artistic painting, dance, woodworking, moto racing, skydiving, sport, memorizing trivia, study of a field of science, organizing, home design, or any number of the endless activities that exist. Figure out what it is that you like doing, and do more of it.
- Cut back on the chemical inducements of dopamine. If you can get the 10x-100x the dopamine hit you need from just putting a chemical in your body, the tiny bit of natural dopamine you get from a non-chemical activity won’t even register with you. You’ll be desensitized to the natural dopamine you get from the things you like doing. The things you like doing that would normally give you dopamine won’t anymore that you’ll be able to detect. This means you stop doing the things you like. So the only way you can get any measurable amount of dopamine you detect is by the chemicals.
I don’t think you can learn that, but if you want to be happier and more “satisfied” with what you have, meditation and magnesium is a good start.
Accept things, then try to understand them.
