Edit: ‘Chase’ in this phrase is not meant to be taken literally.
For some extra information on the quote: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassionate-feminism/202504/the-psychology-of-dont-chase-attract
it’s the diet version of playing hard to get, and equally as bullshit.
It’s the only way to get a cat to trust you.
Pfft, just hold on and squeeze your way through the scratches until you’re bloody and beloved.
Those are the only options?!
As always, it depends on the context it is used in.
Well in my case, there is this girl I like. I am not much of a flirt and even then I don’t really think flirting would work. So I’m just going to try to Attract rather then Chase in that sense.
You need to attract by being a well rounded person that does not neeeed someone, but you also need to make it obvious to your crush that you are interested.
Spending too much time acting cool and hoping that they will fall for you will fail when the next person is just honest about their feelings with the crush.
How will her knowing I like her make her feel differently?? That doesn’t make sense to me. I’m still me, I am not doing anything differently, I am still as “attractive” as I was before telling her. So I don’t see how it matters.
Edit: Granted, eventually I’ll have to tell her but that’s after hanging out a couple of times and she’s shown signs of liking me back
Showing her you’re interested isn’t about making you more attractive to her. It’s more about signalling that you’re receptive if she’s also attracted to you.
If she’s attracted and knows you’re attracted, the relationship can proceed.
If she’s attracted and doesn’t know you’re attracted, she’ll either be in the same position you’re in now, conclude that you only want to be friends, or move on to someone who’s attracted to her.
If she’s unattracted and knows you’re attracted, everyone can get in front of their feelings before you feel like you’re wasting your time or she feels like she’d be losing a friendship by not being romantically interested in you. The longer you withhold your feelings from her, the more difficult you can be making things for both of you.
All that said, I think it’s totally reasonable to hang out with her a few times to see if you like hanging out with each other first.
Girls are people, and people want to have fun. Be someone fun to hang out with. Don’t make chasing her your entire personality, because then you have no personality and she has no reason to speak with you.
Everything takes practice, even romance. It might not work this time, but you’ll be better at it next time.
Just be yourself. There must be something about her beyond being a girl that you find interesting. Don’t flirt, just be friendly, and if there’s a common bond it might go somewhere. Or not. But if you don’t do something and she doesn’t, then neither will know. This is coming from a heavy introvert who avoids people in general. It’s hard to get past that first step, but once you do (and you don’t force something to happen) it gets easier, and the relationship usually builds from the point where both are more relaxed and… being themselves.
Makes sense.
I can only speak from my experience as a man but that sounds like a good way to stay single forever. Never met a man in a relationship to a woman who approached him. My cousin proposed to her (male) fiance but he still was the one to approach her at the start.
Now you have. Granted it was online, but being the more introverted of the two, it was the only way it was going to happen.
To be fair, had I not responded back and opened communication, it wouldn’t have happened either. A relationship has to be both ways. But someone has to start, and it doesn’t have to be the guy. Look at the repeated stories about the guys who realized long after the fact that the girl was flirting with them and they totally missed the cues.
It happens but it’s rare. My wife initially asked me out. It wasn’t that I was afraid to ask her out. My first marriage was really bad. I was still working through that and didn’t feel like I was ready for a relationship.
For the sake of honesty, I told her pretty much exactly that. She almost changed her mind. Too many previous dates that were either “divorced” or “getting divorced” only to eventually discover that their wives were not at all aware of this sudden change in their relationship status.
Instead, for whatever reason she said, “That’s ok. We can just go have some fun. No pressure at all.” That was 8 years ago.
Sounds similar to my experience. I just had a different ending. My 2nd marriage lasted about 10 months. Never again.
I think the issue there is that male friendships in general and especially with females are culturally discouraged.
My personal experience might be taken with a grain of salt because I’m a trans female (and my wife clocked that before she started dating me, even though I didn’t realize it myself until later), but from my personal experience being raised as a male I had very few friendships with girls and women and I never dated until I developed a close friendship with the woman who is now my wife. She expressed interest in dating me, and eventually we committed to it.
So, I think that breaking that cultural norm and encouraging men to have more friendships would help a lot.
I have as many female friends as male friends, I’ve never found it to be culturally discouraged but im autistic so peer pressure doesn’t really work on me so maybe I just didn’t notice.
It maybe depends on the particular culture/context around you. When I was growing up I was usually in explicitly Christian contexts, so it was probably more repressive than what some people experience. I think that toxic masculinity is pretty widespread, though.
Works for the anglerfish I guess.
I dunno.
I pursued my wife relentlessly until I wore her down and she agreed to go on a date with me.
That was 24 years ago.
Do you happen to work for hallmark movies?
They knew each other vaguely in high school. She moved away for college and came back to her home town to visit famlly some years later. He probably sings and taught himself to play the guitar.
She was a successful businesswoman with a promising career. He was a small-town nobody. Can he win her over before she returns to the big city?
🎵 Just a small town girl
Livin’ in a lonely world…
Who can’t liiiiive with or without you
he sold Christmas trees though
Didn’t know they branched out from doing cards
They’ve been doing it for a while. They’re all low-budget, made-for-TV movies that follow some pretty predictable formulas and appeal to a very specific type of person - usually the lonely, single type.
What is this The Notebook?!
This really depends but in general I’d say there has to be a balanced amount of both from both parties, if it’s relationships we’re talking about.
Does ‘attract’ just mean passively hoping someone else will chase you?
It means (as far as my interpretation goes) getting on friendly terms (not to be confused with becoming friends) and see if they show signs of liking you back.
Be the kind of person you would want a relationship with. This applies to friendships as well as romantic relationships.
Also, don’t be afraid to shoot your shot, OP. You ever been to a trap range? The clay pigeons are gonna keep flying even if you’re not shooting at them. The only way you stand any chance of hitting one is to aim in front of it and pull the trigger. If you miss, it’s no biggie. Another one will come flying along shortly.
Also, don’t be afraid to shoot your shot, OP.
If I may respond to this and no disrespect intended when I say this: I do not agree at all with this sentiment, to just shoot your shot. With all due respect, but if you’re not getting signals from her it will only serve to embarrass you.
if you’re not getting signals from her it will only serve to embarrass you.
How the fuck are you not getting signals from someone and still hoping to “attract” them? If you’re unable to make a connection enough to where you’re seen by a specific person as attractive, then you haven’t done enough to be noticed by that person. You still have to put in the work to be noticed. And many people would describe that simple act as “shooting your shot.”
How the fuck are you not getting signals from someone and still hoping to “attract” them?
No, see that’s where you give up. If you’re not getting signals from them then you leave it at that.
If you’re unable to make a connection enough to where you’re seen by a specific person as attractive, then you haven’t done enough to be noticed by that person.
I don’t see how simply stating you like someone will make you any more attractive. Hence, I don’t agree with the just shoot your shot approuch among other reasons. If you ask me, I would take that as a sign they’re not interested.
If you’re not getting signals from them then you leave it at that.
But not getting signals is the default from people who don’t know you. How are you expecting to cross into a place where you are getting signals if you always stop before actually interacting with someone?
If you can’t flirt with people you’re basically closing yourself off to 80% of the world who might give you a chance after a single conversation.
Go interact with people. Some of those people will give you signals to back off. Some will not give signals at all. Some will give signals to continue. If the “no signals” means stop to you, you’re gonna have a rough time even making friends.
As long as you don’t do anything truly bad when shooting your shot, the worst that could happen is some mild embarassment. Which is something you have to be prepared to endure when putting yourself out there.
In the mating game it’s up to the guys to advertise interest and the gals to make a choice.
Women are pros at dealing with endless expressions of interest, they rarely know how to show/express it. Just be respectful and let go of expectations going in.
Don’t let the endless whining seen on social media deter you, it’s mostly lies.
If men bore the babies and women had to do the mating advertising, the human race would be extinct.
seriously, attract don’t chase is how you stay alone.
love is the most common resource on earth, for anyone even remotely healthy/attractive as a partner. repeated exposure, common interests/experiences to bond over, and a willingness to learn/grow is all you need to fall for anyone.
pursue, but just take rejection like an adult. no means no etc. first couple times sting but it gets easier with time/practice
Chase or Attract?
Yes
But there is also Building.
What does that mean? (Unless you’re making a joke I’m not getting.)
That it depends, so both can be the answer.
I feel chase is a bad choice if you really mean trying to build a relationship. Unless you actually mean chase. Then eww. If they’ve said no, that means no.
“I’m a chubby attractor.”
Just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
I nominate “Chubtractive”
Increase your mass enough you go from being a weak attractor to a strong attractor.
I’m not attracting then, they are attracting me! Scotty! More power to main engines!
Yeah but it’s an accurate description of me. I don’t keep dating fat chicks because I’m particularly into them, I keep dating fat chicks because they keep being into me
I have a magnet that says that.
Draw interest then when it appears to be gotten make a move. Regardless of the genders involved.
