Have you been able to overcome it and grow?
I react defensively when my partner asks innocuous questions bc I learned at an early age there was nothing I could do that was “right.” It annoys me that I do this, but he’s never “hit back” which deepens my trust and lowers my defenses over time.
Assuming the personality or attitude of someone based on their resting facial expression. I know it’s wrong but I don’t know how to turn it off. Especially in a professional setting where everyone has to be polite all the time so its meaning as a social cue of how annoyed they are with you diminishes.
Not helped by the fact that I know I can be annoying to other people without realizing it.
Not good at receiving criticism in the moment, kind of defensive. I can hear it but cannot immediately say “yeah you are right”, it feels more like insult than help. Some of this is leftover hangups from my ex, who was quite cutting, mean about it. But some just my own immature tendencies. I have pretty much learned not to react and wait until I can think about it more objectively.
I have outsourced this need to my partner.
When I’m mentally unwell, I isolate myself instead of sharing the load with the loved ones in my life that would jump at the opportunity to support me. I fear being seen in a vulnerable state and given enough rumination I can easily find “reasons” why maybe it would be for the best if I disappeared for a bit instead.
I haven’t been able to directly overcome it yet, but I’ve become aware enough to communicate it and people in my life at least know the signs of it happening now.
I used to be a stereotypical wall puncher, it was so fucking embarassing. Been sober off the drywall dust for a few years now
What do you feel helped you move away from that?
I was never a smasher so to speak but anger was a big thing for me before I learned about boundaries and quit people pleasing
So many. Not being able to regulate emotions, which led to me throwing “temper tantrums” kind of. 7 years of therapy and I think I had major breakthrough. I am still evaluating it, but I am fairly confident that I might have overcome it.
What do you feel was the precursor to the breakthru?
It is really difficult to explain, but I will try it. I was greatly distressed one day, and decided to write an essay on Community and Compassion. As I was writing it, it basically came out as a rant and increased my distress and I was able identify a thought that was running in my head. It said “I am not enough.” I don’t why, but I reversed it and started ‘chanting’ “I am enough”. I immediately felt like a huge wait lifted from my mind. I felt lighter. So, basically that became my chant now.
In retrospect, it made sense and yet, it was really hard for me to become aware of it. But, in the end, all those therapy sessions paid off, even if I had lost hope.
What was the trigger as best you can pinpoint that time? What do you feel triggered the distress, what was the context?
I felt ignored, which made me feel worthless. Exact circumstances are too personal to share. But, the realization that I have never felt compassion in my life, as far back as I can remember was too much at the time.
This is what some call “mindfulness”. The ability to be aware of feeling an emotion, and then to be able to step outside of that and ask “why am I feeling that?”. You can then start to work on the cause rather than the symptoms.
If you ever get taught meditation, a lot of it is about letting the mind go in the direction it wants to go, catching it, noting it, and then resetting. Lather, rinse, repeat.
You just did it when you were writing an essay.
Yeah, mindfulness helped me to become aware of that thought. Mindfulness is just incredible, in my experience.
There have been a couple of people who used to maybe not treat me the best. Over the past couple of years, they have drastically changed that behavior. It’s been challenging for me to ALLOW them to change and not respond to them the same way I used to (defensively).
Oooohh, I had a dream about that very thing! This white, sparkly, tall, hairless, skinny entity walking slowly towards me emanating threats and danger, but as he got closer and closer the feelings changed to unconditional love, but I was still terrified and confused about the vibe changes. It found me where I was hiding and held me like a baby to soothe me, and I tried so hard to calm all the way down, but I still nipped his forearm with my teeth even tho I couldn’t bring myself to bite and claw to escape like I would have if it had been that close when it had the dangerous vibes. I feel like it was showing me I need to let ppl change as quickly as they can and greet every encounter fresh instead of holding them to who they were in the past.
We’ll get there lol 😂💜
I get jealous / insecure with my partner drinking with single dudes, I’m working on it, but definitely haven’t overcome it
I still occasionally say negative and dismissive stuff about myself, like “no one cares for me” or “I really don’t matter” etc. At least I’m able to catch myself sometimes, and last time it happened was at a party where it was hard to hear what anyone was saying unless you really focused
I don’t think that’s immature, but the reality you lived through. I used to be dismissive of these thoughts now I try to see what’s the real momentum behind them.
I’d rather say something clever than accurate or useful… and often do.
Do you have a reputation as a strict bullshitter/shootshitter lol?
I’m not sure what “strict” means in this sentence, but I make my money with my mouth, yeah.
Like do people trust what you say or that you will do what you commit to?
All or nothing, crab-in-a-bucket mentality. Being aware of it helps…
I can’t focus at all. I blame the government for banning most focus enhancing drugs.
Adderall & Vyvanse are banned? Or you just don’t have access to them?
they are banned in the phillipines
