I guess he really wanted to make it to 84.
One silver lining is my mom and I flew to Tuscon at the start of the week, so we got to see him only a few hours before he gave up.
He was in a vegetative state already when I first saw him Tuesday night, in bed, mouth agape, getting water via sponges, unable to close his eyes anymore, having trouble breathing and certainly unable to speak.
That was only 11 days after speaking with him on the phone to wish him a happy birthday, utterly unaware that would be the last time we spoke.
I’m still in shock, being less than two hours into getting the news. My planned Saturday departure has been pushed to Tuesday so we can tie up loose ends (thankfully, most arrangements had already been made in advance).
I don’t know how I’m feeling right now, and I have the luxury of still being in my hotel room while Mom contacts people ahead of meeting up and actually having to face reality.
I can say that it’s a relief that he’s no longer in pain – hospice upped his morphine frequency to every two hours just yesterday as he became “more agitated,” whatever that means when you can barely move your hands and nothing else.
Mom and the care staff said that he hadn’t so much as blinked in days, but he did upon seeing me, and then tears welled up.
You can’t really prepare for the death of a parent, no matter how steeled you think you are.
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My sincere condolences. As you wrote, you can’t prepare for this and it will take a long time to process. IMO it’s best to let people help out if possible and focus on the rest of your family.
Every time I hear a story like this, someone being in pain for years, surviving in a bed thanks to drugs and machines, I just have to wonder if this is what humans should do…
Im only middle aged right now so maybe my opinion will change when I get older but currently i would rather die earlier than being kept alive in a bed like this.
Anyway, its besides the point of the post. I hope you feel better soon. Losing a parent feels very empty.
Sorry to hear this news. While you’re probably feeling a wild amount of strong emotions and having difficult conversations, we often forget to hydrate and eat something nourishing. I hope that you and Mom can grab a bite somewhere that will help give you the energy to take the next few steps. Little by little, friend.
Wise words
I’ve experienced many losses and traumas, some of which were guided by others with even more experience than I. They reminded me that while we grieve, we also have to take care of ourselves. Bathe, eat, drink, and live, even if the vector forward has an infinitesimally small magnitude… And to remember that our loved ones would want that for us.
I hope to be that friend for others when we inevitably experience these things and I’m glad to share what I’ve learned to keep us resilient in community. Carry their memory forward, and use the gifts they gave you to give back to yourself and those around you. ❤️
Hay matez I’m sorry to hear.
My old man died at his 46th birthday party two days before his actual birthday. It was a real surprise.
13 years on and it gets easier i don’t mean in 13 years but every day it gets a little easier until one day you wake up and it doesn’t weigh on you anymore.
You just remember the good times and keep moving forward
So sorry. Take care of yourself, and those around you.
I’m sure it’s devastating to experience this. Big hug and I hope you find peace. Saying goodbye is weird and strange, but doing it certainly feels better than not, in my own experience. Much love to you in the coming days
You can never be ready for the death of parent. It’s like your whole world gets turned upside down, something that has been true for your entire life is suddenly no longer true.
Sorry to hear it, and I hope you’re taking care of yourself and surrounding yourself with your favorite people. you’re in my thoughts today
Fuck, I’m sorry. I wish you all the best
I’m so sorry. Losing a parent is one of the hardest things. I don’t know if anything anyone told me when I lost my dad unexpectedly really consoled me. Time has helped. It was like waves of grief that eventually grew further apart. Don’t be afraid to smile and even laugh when reminiscing. It feels strange at first, but it’s good to be able to do that. Sending virtual hugs.
Sorry to hear that, Powderhorn. I’m glad you’re there with family, and don’t have to manage logistics. Get some rest, friend.
So sorry to hear and take care.
