I guess he really wanted to make it to 84.
One silver lining is my mom and I flew to Tuscon at the start of the week, so we got to see him only a few hours before he gave up.
He was in a vegetative state already when I first saw him Tuesday night, in bed, mouth agape, getting water via sponges, unable to close his eyes anymore, having trouble breathing and certainly unable to speak.
That was only 11 days after speaking with him on the phone to wish him a happy birthday, utterly unaware that would be the last time we spoke.
I’m still in shock, being less than two hours into getting the news. My planned Saturday departure has been pushed to Tuesday so we can tie up loose ends (thankfully, most arrangements had already been made in advance).
I don’t know how I’m feeling right now, and I have the luxury of still being in my hotel room while Mom contacts people ahead of meeting up and actually having to face reality.
I can say that it’s a relief that he’s no longer in pain – hospice upped his morphine frequency to every two hours just yesterday as he became “more agitated,” whatever that means when you can barely move your hands and nothing else.
Mom and the care staff said that he hadn’t so much as blinked in days, but he did upon seeing me, and then tears welled up.
You can’t really prepare for the death of a parent, no matter how steeled you think you are.
Sorry to hear this news. While you’re probably feeling a wild amount of strong emotions and having difficult conversations, we often forget to hydrate and eat something nourishing. I hope that you and Mom can grab a bite somewhere that will help give you the energy to take the next few steps. Little by little, friend.
Wise words
I’ve experienced many losses and traumas, some of which were guided by others with even more experience than I. They reminded me that while we grieve, we also have to take care of ourselves. Bathe, eat, drink, and live, even if the vector forward has an infinitesimally small magnitude… And to remember that our loved ones would want that for us.
I hope to be that friend for others when we inevitably experience these things and I’m glad to share what I’ve learned to keep us resilient in community. Carry their memory forward, and use the gifts they gave you to give back to yourself and those around you. ❤️