I love to make really bad similes/metaphors like “I have the memory of a fish with very poor memory” or “I’m as tall as a tree thats my height”.
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this one doesn’t work quite as well without speaking. but
“how do you think the unthinkable?”
“with an itheberg.” (iceberg with a lisp)
Two men walk into a bar.
The third man ducked.
It’s amazing how many people like Trump and his entourage. After all, they’re fucking immature assholes.
Basiclly, if someone needs something like a lemon squeezer or something else ending with “er” I always like the classic “squeeze her? I hardly know her!” style joke.
That, or something dumb like the “I wanted to tell you a pizza joke but it’s too cheesy!” type of joke.
Those were two of the first things that popped into my mind.
Knock knock Who’s there? A deaf guy. A deaf guy who? …
Bob and Doug are building a fence. Bob is throwing about half the nails into a garbage can. After seeing this going on for a while, Doug asks “Why are you throwing nail in the trash?” Bob says “The heads are on the wrong end” Doug can’t believe what he just heard and says “You dummy, use those nails on the other side of the fence!”
“May I ask you a question?”
“Sure”
“Thanks, may I another?”
Bearded guy, so: “[insert any small talk compliment about my beard here]” “Thanks, it’s been growing on me.”
I tend to reply “Thank, I grew it myself”
“thanks, it has pockets!”
And then I pull out the m&ms I’ve been hiding in the.
Works better when spoken but just say this in your head really fast
What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joketiming.
i have a friend who loves to tell the interrupting cow joke
he always fucks it up though, so instead of interrupt-mooo you getknock knock
who’s there
interrupting cow
interrupting cow who
dammit
he’s a funny guy.
two pretzels were walking down the street. one was a salted pretzel.
Why are pirates pirates?
Because they arrrrr!
Yarr, what be a pirate’s favourite letter?
His first love be the C
I can sea why yar be thinkin’ that, but it be the letter arrrr.
And a pirate’s least favorite letter?
“Dear sir or ma’am, We are writing you to inform you of your third copyright strike violation…”
P, because without it a Pirate would just be irate
It’s between two. If they have a sense of humor I go with this one:
Person: Hey, my name is $name
Me, with the tone of a generic highschool bully: Nice name, did your mom pick it out for you?
If I can’t:
Person: What’s your name?
Me: Oh, it’s $name
Person: Oh that’s a nice name!
Me: Thanks, I picked it out myself!
“Thanks, it was a birthday present”
What do you call a fly
with legswithout wings? A walk.Two men are lost in the desert weak from thirst and starvation. One of them spots something and says Hey man, there is a bacon tree over there! The second man says “no such a thing as a bacon tree, that’s just a mirage”, but the first is already running toward the tree. Just then, a hidden soldier under the tree shoots the first man with a machine gun. As he lay dying, he shouts to warn his friend: “it’s not a bacon tree, it’s a ham bush”.
What is white and interrupts your breakfast? An Avalanche
Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks. The first blonde says, “oh look, deer tracks”. The second one says, “no, those a bear tracks”. The third one says, “you’re both wrong, those are moose tracks!” Then they get hit by a train.
