I’m procrastinating from assignments bc I feel mentally stretched thin. But idk, I reconnected with my bf after a long period of silence and automatically felt a lot of my stress fall away. (-◡-◍) But still, I gotta do my hw and my remaining internship hours for work before Sunday o.o

In the meantime I’m slowly job hunting, looking either for internships that transition into full time or just flat out full time. I graduate in the spring, but considering my circumstances I kinda need to look now lol. It’s just a pain because I’m prioritizing this job search and prep over classes, but the only reason I have these opportunities in the first place is because I’m in school… So it’s a weird balance lol. Definitely trying not to feed into straight A habits right now because they’re eating into my time for jobs. That sounds like a flex but it’s more an anxious habit.

Also did a HireVue interview for the first time? And idk how to feel about them. Also waiting for a referral from my friend to go through for a company before I apply. Am scared that I need to practice my skills more, organize more of my work… I probably do, but one step at a time.

The rough patch continues apace. One bright spot was trying out a new place for breakfast tacos two days ago. It’s one of those coffee/beer/mixed drinks places.

They were out of the bacon ones, so I just got a plain one. It was quite good, and I decided to return the next day, just after open. Got my bacon taco (and a spare to go), the bartender remembered me by name, and as people started heading in, I felt at ease. It’s one of those throwback places where everyone’s nice.

It’s not impossible to find in Austin, but it’s not the default expectation.

Anyway, I’d been up since midnight, so by 7:30 a.m., I figured a beer wasn’t a terrible idea. So I set up shop on a barstool, and roughly an hour later, a woman sits down next to me with her laptop. Conversation ensues, and it turns out she’s the marketing director for a startup. Not my preferred field, but she asked about my work history, and I showed her my LinkedIn.

They don’t have any current openings (who does in this climate?), but she sent a connection request, so I’m at least on their radar. They have a physical product, which she had next to her laptop. It’s a decent sign, though it’s a laser-based health device sold as being good for more ailments than plausible.

So, I got tacos, have a new place to hang out and did some accidental networking.

Sadly, we’re still in the 90s for temps, so the van is … survivable, but that’s a low bar for housing. My sleep sked is still beyond erratic.

One of my two outlets finally gave up the ghost last night, so I currently have the choice of my internet working or having my computer on. Amazon offered a free month of Prime when I signed in, allowing me to get a two-pack delivered today (24VDC high-wattage USB chargers aren’t available locally) … the delivery window is now open, but I’ve been having to hotspot all day, being judicious about the media I’m consuming on a 5GB cell plan.

Hopefully, this will all soon be but a happy memory. Things with the ex cooled off on her birthday after she asked me to visit but as the only one working was unwilling to help pay for the $140 round trip, so I’ve gotten back to something approaching baseline on my mental state with her. Being reminded that I’m just a convenience is always fun. But honestly good for my sanity, as it reminded me why we don’t work after starting to have long, daily phone calls.

It feels like I’m on the cusp of something, but I have no idea what it is. It’s still better than being stuck in neutral.

i live i guess

There’s a lot going on in my life and I’m just trying my fucking best to keep everything on rails. But girl I’m fucking tired and I’m not done by far.

Here’s my diary entry:

• I’ve decided to let my contract expire and look for a new job. I didn’t want to leave the company but I did want to get away from my energy vampire coworkers that have never cared about me. Even now that I’m leaving they’re showing 0 signs of empathy. Pretty sure they never gave a shit about me. Which is their perogative, but I definitely am not staying there. Anyway, I tried to look for a different position internally (enterprise size company should have something). Unfortunately, and completely missing the irony, my manager hid behind ‘management is being difficult’ and failed to arrange a transfer in time.

• Finding a new job is easy. I’m being bombarded by recruiters and they probably mean well. Unfortunately I appear to have missed the memo where being a data engineer means you have to have experience with Azure to get taken into consideration. That’s interesting, didn’t know we all sold our souls to Microsoft in the corporate domain as well.

• I’m gonna come out as non binary to my mom. I’ve been putting it off for about 1.5 years now and it’s time. I asked her to come with me to get my ears pierced and she excitedly agrees. I think she suspects, she’s definitely dropped hints before that suggest she understands I don’t see myself as just AMAB. So that’s good. But still scary. Excited about being able to wear earrings though oh my god THE OUTFITS ARE GONNA LOOK AMAZING

• One of my best friends expanded his single partner relationship into a two partner relationship and now he barely speaks to me anymore. I’ve consulted with mutual friends and they experience the same. I don’t really want to confront him but I expect I’ll need to at some point. I don’t like confrontation. I confronted him in August when he failed to show up for my birthday. He apologised and I said he needs to be a better friend. This coincided with the decline in interaction so it feels like I’m pushing him away by expecting too much. I don’t think I’m expecting too much though, I’m just holding him to the same standards as before. If I’m honest with myself he’s not very good at being a friend and never has been. I just really like him and want to spend time together. So does he but he’s a terrible communicator. Ugh

• I went to my first drag show, saw Bosco and others, feel so blessed to have seen god’s favourite transsexual

• Gonna start my sewing class next month I’m really stoked to at some point know how to make my own clothes that finally do some fucking gender affirming for once helloooooo