A lot of people say things like “marriage is great, but its a lot of work”. Those are the people that I’m like “really? Sounds like you maybe did make a mistake there” because (and I’m not expert, I’ve only been married once) it’s really easy being married to my wife.
I think you may not be understanding the meaning of “marriage is great, but its a lot of work”. Its not like work meaning carrying lots of bags of gravel or something.
The “hard work” in marriage is being truly open to communication, working hard yourself to communicate accurately, and being honestly self reflective. Its recognizing your own shortcomings, and trying to better yourself, but also being open to being told by your mate where your thoughts or efforts or deficient. A natural human reaction is to be defensive, possibly even striking back with your own criticisms of the other person in the moment, but that’s immaturity. Its hard work making real positive changes in yourself as the result of all of this.
When you have a mate you love and a mate that loves you, you can know these are things not said in malice, but in a genuine effort to make you a better person. All of this is a balance with your own sense of self-worth and critical thinking to properly evaluate your internal and the external criticism.
All of that is hard work.
Then there’s another part too that I’m seeing in the years ahead: seeing your spouse’s health decline and being their caregiver as your own health is failing from age at the same time. Alternatively, being that first declining health spouse, and watching your mate grow ever more tired caring for you. All of this effort are expressions of love, but it is most certainly hard work.
I find confrontation pretty difficult, and I force myself to be direct and assertive about my needs and wants with my husband, because he deserves it. A common mistake I made in previous relationships was bottling up things I didn’t like, but that leads to resentment every time. I understand the value of communicating openly with him, even if it feels like I’m not being “chill” enough and he is receptive to it, but it doesn’t mean it’s not hard.
My husband has a similar problem with talking about his preferences, because he was always taught that they’re secondary to his partner’s. He finds it difficult to tell me that he wants to spend time on solo activities, but I encourage him to practice his hobbies. Even though he knows I’m happy for him to decompress however works for him and to engage in the things that bring him joy, he still struggles against himself to do it, for us.
I make decisions differently because of our marriage (I have pretty significant executive dysfunction, so these might not sound like struggles to others, but they certainly have been for me)- where I previously might have just eaten lentils in a lean month, I now push myself to work more to support us. Where I used to write papers in a 48 hour frantic dash, now I start earlier and make sure I can allot breaks for meals with him and a regular sleep schedule (we live in basically a studio apartment, so keeping the computer on makes it hard for him to sleep). Where I would have left laundry hanging on the drying rack basically until I wore it again, I now force myself to put it away as soon as it’s dry (again because of the space issue).
I don’t think the marriage certificate itself caused these changes, but knowing that we’re in it for the long haul changed how I think about my relationship with my husband. I realized that I needed to work on myself to become the partner he deserves, but other people might be able to get to that mindset without the permanence of marriage. I just wasn’t and didn’t realize it until it changed.
Each of those changes is a positive one imo, even without considering their effects on our marriage, and we’re both improved for having married each other. That’s not even addressing the joy of being able to fully relax with the knowledge that your partner loves, accepts, and supports you, and will stay with you, even if things get difficult.
I think you may not be understanding the meaning of “marriage is great, but its a lot of work”. Its not like work meaning carrying lots of bags of gravel or something.
The “hard work” in marriage is being truly open to communication, working hard yourself to communicate accurately, and being honestly self reflective. Its recognizing your own shortcomings, and trying to better yourself, but also being open to being told by your mate where your thoughts or efforts or deficient. A natural human reaction is to be defensive, possibly even striking back with your own criticisms of the other person in the moment, but that’s immaturity. Its hard work making real positive changes in yourself as the result of all of this.
When you have a mate you love and a mate that loves you, you can know these are things not said in malice, but in a genuine effort to make you a better person. All of this is a balance with your own sense of self-worth and critical thinking to properly evaluate your internal and the external criticism.
All of that is hard work.
Then there’s another part too that I’m seeing in the years ahead: seeing your spouse’s health decline and being their caregiver as your own health is failing from age at the same time. Alternatively, being that first declining health spouse, and watching your mate grow ever more tired caring for you. All of this effort are expressions of love, but it is most certainly hard work.
I find confrontation pretty difficult, and I force myself to be direct and assertive about my needs and wants with my husband, because he deserves it. A common mistake I made in previous relationships was bottling up things I didn’t like, but that leads to resentment every time. I understand the value of communicating openly with him, even if it feels like I’m not being “chill” enough and he is receptive to it, but it doesn’t mean it’s not hard.
My husband has a similar problem with talking about his preferences, because he was always taught that they’re secondary to his partner’s. He finds it difficult to tell me that he wants to spend time on solo activities, but I encourage him to practice his hobbies. Even though he knows I’m happy for him to decompress however works for him and to engage in the things that bring him joy, he still struggles against himself to do it, for us.
I make decisions differently because of our marriage (I have pretty significant executive dysfunction, so these might not sound like struggles to others, but they certainly have been for me)- where I previously might have just eaten lentils in a lean month, I now push myself to work more to support us. Where I used to write papers in a 48 hour frantic dash, now I start earlier and make sure I can allot breaks for meals with him and a regular sleep schedule (we live in basically a studio apartment, so keeping the computer on makes it hard for him to sleep). Where I would have left laundry hanging on the drying rack basically until I wore it again, I now force myself to put it away as soon as it’s dry (again because of the space issue).
I don’t think the marriage certificate itself caused these changes, but knowing that we’re in it for the long haul changed how I think about my relationship with my husband. I realized that I needed to work on myself to become the partner he deserves, but other people might be able to get to that mindset without the permanence of marriage. I just wasn’t and didn’t realize it until it changed.
Each of those changes is a positive one imo, even without considering their effects on our marriage, and we’re both improved for having married each other. That’s not even addressing the joy of being able to fully relax with the knowledge that your partner loves, accepts, and supports you, and will stay with you, even if things get difficult.