I lost a relative recently and I’ve been struggling with the grieving aspect. I haven’t cried or gotten visceral anger. I’m mostly just generally unpleasant right now. Impatient, easily annoyed and lack energy. Part of it is the cognitive dissonance associated. The individual was complicated, more good in the world overall, but, undeniably a lot of bad too.
You mention that you have complicated feelings about the death of your relative, but nonetheless I’m sorry for your loss. Even if they were someone abusive who you didn’t even want to be around, with the finality of death the possibility of reconciliation or improvement is gone, and that’s its own complex set of emotions to deal with on top of normal grief.
For me, talking helped. If you have access to a therapist, a death is a very common reason to go talk to one. If you don’t, a friend, family member, or journal could help. There are also internet support groups for grief, although I don’t know off the top of my head of any active ones on the fediverse.