It is an abstract question that just crossed my mind after Lady Butterfly’s post a few minutes ago in c/mental health.
To be clear, I do not mean whether one should apologise. I do not mean that the act of apologizing has no meaning. I’m specifically asking if the person that expects someone else to apologize is driven by their own narcissism.
I personally place very very little value on words compared to actions. The act of apologizing has a tiny value to me, but the words are nearly meaningless. One is defined by one’s actions, not words, and not intentions. I never expect an apology. I want actionable, notable change.
I was physically disabled by a man and most of my life was taken away from me, but I still have no desire to hear some apology. In fact, it would come across as his selfishness for wanting to feel better about the chaos he caused if he tried to apologize. I don’t want vengeance. The only apology I would value is some measure of ongoing restitution. Short of such an effort, I would feel insulted by the overture of an apology.
From this perspective, expecting an apology seems narcissistic to me, but I would like to know if you feel differently and are able to articulate a nuanced perspective.
I hear you saying that words are meaningless to you, but surely you recognize that that’s not the case for everybody. Words are actions, and as someone who doesn’t use them lightly I find that the only people who refuse to apologize when asked are other people who don’t treat words lightly. I don’t apologize for anything I’m not actually sorry for, and if someone won’t apologize to me it shows they don’t think my feelings are equal to theirs.
A good apology has three parts: Recognition of what one did wrong, a sincere effort not to repeat the behavior, and an attempt at restitution for past behavior. I don’t think it’s narcissistic to expect that of people if they want to continue the relationship as equals, since I would do the same if I wronged them.