It is an abstract question that just crossed my mind after Lady Butterfly’s post a few minutes ago in c/mental health.
To be clear, I do not mean whether one should apologise. I do not mean that the act of apologizing has no meaning. I’m specifically asking if the person that expects someone else to apologize is driven by their own narcissism.
I personally place very very little value on words compared to actions. The act of apologizing has a tiny value to me, but the words are nearly meaningless. One is defined by one’s actions, not words, and not intentions. I never expect an apology. I want actionable, notable change.
I was physically disabled by a man and most of my life was taken away from me, but I still have no desire to hear some apology. In fact, it would come across as his selfishness for wanting to feel better about the chaos he caused if he tried to apologize. I don’t want vengeance. The only apology I would value is some measure of ongoing restitution. Short of such an effort, I would feel insulted by the overture of an apology.
From this perspective, expecting an apology seems narcissistic to me, but I would like to know if you feel differently and are able to articulate a nuanced perspective.
I never expect an apology when I’ve been wronged
However, an apology is a necessary step towards rebuilding whatever trust/respect/relationship we had prior to that wrongdoing.
And it is just a step, on its own an apology is just meaningless words unless it is backed up by concrete actions to show that you do intend to do better and try to set things right.
The point of an apology, as far as I’m concerned, isn’t just what it says on the surface, a statement that you’re “sorry” or that you “feel bad,” or however you choose to phrase it.
It’s not about you and how you feel, you’re not the one who’s been wronged.
But the deeper meaning, in a sincere apology, is that you’re acknowledging that you fucked up, and that it was wrong, and that you will try to do better going forward.
We can continue without an apology, but things will not be as they were. I will not be able to trust you as I have before. Even if you seem to have improved, I may still find myself suspicious of your motives.
The form that the apology takes can vary, it doesn’t need necessary to be an explicit written or verbal apology in all cases, actions, as they say, speak louder than words, but in some way it needs to be made clear that you have acknowledged what you have done, understand that it was wrong and why, and intend to do improve.