It is an abstract question that just crossed my mind after Lady Butterfly’s post a few minutes ago in c/mental health.
To be clear, I do not mean whether one should apologise. I do not mean that the act of apologizing has no meaning. I’m specifically asking if the person that expects someone else to apologize is driven by their own narcissism.
I personally place very very little value on words compared to actions. The act of apologizing has a tiny value to me, but the words are nearly meaningless. One is defined by one’s actions, not words, and not intentions. I never expect an apology. I want actionable, notable change.
I was physically disabled by a man and most of my life was taken away from me, but I still have no desire to hear some apology. In fact, it would come across as his selfishness for wanting to feel better about the chaos he caused if he tried to apologize. I don’t want vengeance. The only apology I would value is some measure of ongoing restitution. Short of such an effort, I would feel insulted by the overture of an apology.
From this perspective, expecting an apology seems narcissistic to me, but I would like to know if you feel differently and are able to articulate a nuanced perspective.
Apologies are largely for the person delivering them, but I will say, they’re important in a healthy relationship. An honest apology shows the other person that their feelings are understood and validated while also recognizing the harm done by the person apologizing. If you are no longer in a relationship of some sort with that person, the apology is solely for them.
I expect an apology from my spouse only when I want them to recognize that I was hurt by what they did/said. If that isn’t met, it’s important for me to, respectfully, tell them the way that I’m feeling about their actions or words. Again, in a healthy relationship like I have with my spouse, they will empathize with my perspective and offer apology. This is in no way narcissistic for them to do, but if I feel it’s facetious, I sternly say thank you in a tone that says I see that you think you should apologize, but this is not a true apology.
What you’re describing is something where no apology could make up for the hurt that was caused. Narcissistic? I think that’s a deeply psychological thing, but you are in no way required to accept an apology. Again, it would be for the other person and in this case it might be best for you to let them know that you can’t accept an apology. There’s no making up for what they did, no gesture or otherwise will make it better. They have to live with that guilt because some consequences last a lifetime. Frankly, fuck their apology. Fuck them. You have to live your life and they have to find a way to live with what they’ve done. You don’t have to accept an apology.