It is an abstract question that just crossed my mind after Lady Butterfly’s post a few minutes ago in c/mental health.
To be clear, I do not mean whether one should apologise. I do not mean that the act of apologizing has no meaning. I’m specifically asking if the person that expects someone else to apologize is driven by their own narcissism.
I personally place very very little value on words compared to actions. The act of apologizing has a tiny value to me, but the words are nearly meaningless. One is defined by one’s actions, not words, and not intentions. I never expect an apology. I want actionable, notable change.
I was physically disabled by a man and most of my life was taken away from me, but I still have no desire to hear some apology. In fact, it would come across as his selfishness for wanting to feel better about the chaos he caused if he tried to apologize. I don’t want vengeance. The only apology I would value is some measure of ongoing restitution. Short of such an effort, I would feel insulted by the overture of an apology.
From this perspective, expecting an apology seems narcissistic to me, but I would like to know if you feel differently and are able to articulate a nuanced perspective.
I think it depends on what you mean by “expect”. Do you mean you think they have a moral obligation to apologize because of their actions? That’s not narcissistic. That’s a value judgment. Others may disagree with you, if they hold different values or disagree about the facts involved.
But maybe by “expect” you think they owe it to you, or something like that? Then there is some potential for narcissism.
Then as you noted, what is the apology for? Forgiveness? To undo the damage? To show awareness of the badness? To express a goal to not do that shitty thing in the future? People giving and receiving apologies can easily disagree about what the apology is supposed to accomplish.