It is an abstract question that just crossed my mind after Lady Butterfly’s post a few minutes ago in c/mental health.

To be clear, I do not mean whether one should apologise. I do not mean that the act of apologizing has no meaning. I’m specifically asking if the person that expects someone else to apologize is driven by their own narcissism.

I personally place very very little value on words compared to actions. The act of apologizing has a tiny value to me, but the words are nearly meaningless. One is defined by one’s actions, not words, and not intentions. I never expect an apology. I want actionable, notable change.

I was physically disabled by a man and most of my life was taken away from me, but I still have no desire to hear some apology. In fact, it would come across as his selfishness for wanting to feel better about the chaos he caused if he tried to apologize. I don’t want vengeance. The only apology I would value is some measure of ongoing restitution. Short of such an effort, I would feel insulted by the overture of an apology.

From this perspective, expecting an apology seems narcissistic to me, but I would like to know if you feel differently and are able to articulate a nuanced perspective.

  • Libb@piefed.socialEnglish
    2·
    2 days ago

    I’m specifically asking if the person that expects someone else to apologize is driven by their own narcissism.

    Two things come to my mind:

    • It all depends the context.
      Context will tell if there is or there isn’t narcissism involved, which is more frequent than one would like to think imho. I would say it’s narcissistic when it’s used against someone else, to give oneself an edge against that person, to make them feel bad, or when it’s expected because one thinks they deserve apologies, something like that (it’s just raw thoughts). It’s not when apologies are expected not because one deserves them but because, the roles were switched, apologizing is what one would do if they had done something similar to someone else .
    • Apologies are never a single person action, a single direction act.
      I mean, apologies are always at the same time received and given, given and received. It’s an interaction between at least two persons (or one person and the entire civil society, in the case of most criminal affairs: they’re public for a reason). It’s never a monologue… or it should not be, if it is to mean something. Whereas narcissism is all about the self: it’s Narcissus admiring its own image in the water, considering nothing but himself.

    So, a sincere apology is always something bidirectional, and not about oneself. It’s a tool used to create/reinforce/fix a weakened or a broken bound between two or more people.