I don’t even know how to say this anymore without sounding like a damn broken record, but ever since Trump got elected in November, my mental health has been slipping. And lately it’s not just slipping. It’s more like I jumped off a cliff and freefalling toward jagged rocks.
I’ve done everything I’m supposed to. I stay active. I run 3 to 5 miles on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I exercise 3 to 5 days a week. I spend time outside. I touch grass. But none of it works anymore. It just doesn’t take the edge off like it used to.
I know doomscrolling makes it worse. I know the news and social media are built to keep people angry and scared. I try to pull away from it. But even when I do, I get hit from another angle. My girlfriend sends me political messages all day long, like she’s trying to convince me of something I already agree with. I’ve told her to give me some space, but it doesn’t stop. It’s like she needs me to be in constant panic mode with her, and I just can’t do it anymore.
Lately I find myself dreading conversation. I don’t even want to hear another human voice. I’m tired in a way I don’t know how to fix.
I thought retirement was going to bring me some peace. I’ve worked hard my whole life. I thought I had earned some quiet. Instead, the world keeps getting louder, and none of the things I used to do to cope are cutting it.
Is anybody else feeling this way?
I’ve found it comforting to embrace the inevitability of my death. People are afraid of fascism, climate change, nuclear war, terrorism, mass shootings, car accidents and fire becausebthey personally fear violent death. Simply throw your hands up and say “I will die - and theres nothing I can do about it”
If your concern is more abstract, such as a fear for the downfall of the American republic, I would say that we’re all a little too old to be believing in fairy tales
I can only speak for myself, but there is more to this than just fear of death. It is my eyes being forcibly opened to how evil and stupid so many people are. I’ve always known there was evil in the world, I’ve always known that from time to time evil comes into power and does an enormous amount of damage, but I never in a million years could have guessed how widespread and common evil really is. People I love, and who I thought loved me are showing their true colours, as are people I have known for decades. I can’t help but look back on my life and think “Was all this fake? The good times, the memories, was it all just bullshit? Were you evil the whole fucking time??” If we were in Germany in the 40s, these are the people who would have sold me out to the Nazis.
Being born on this planet and living through a time like this is like being six years old and arriving at an amazing looking birthday party with balloons and cake and presents and pony rides, only to find out that the cake has been poisoned, the ponies are being beaten with a whip, and your best friend is trying to stab you to death with the cake knife because he wants your balloon. Being at a party with people like that kind of spoils the whole experience.
Being surrounded by evil and stupidity, being betrayed by the ones you love, it makes me feel like all the good times and memories are just an illusion and there is nothing for me here. No point to any of it. So my mental health suffers, just like OP’s mental health suffers. I can’t see a way out of this. What has been seen cannot be unseen. What has been realized cannot be unrealized. So, it isn’t the fear of death that is getting to me. It’s living in this fucking nightmare.
Agreed. The way people act today makes everything before seem purely performative. I’m not terribly surprised that certain family members drank the kool-aid, but to know what became of the same people who held me on the day of my baptism is scary.