I’m from Oklahoma. Let me give you an overview of our seasons, beginning with

Spring: Starts mild, ends warm. Thunderstorms, hail, tornadoes, and flooding are the main stories here.

Summer: Hot and muggy throughout. No clouds, rain, wind, relief. All you can do is make your clothes wet. Sometimes, I just point a leaf blower up my shirt. And at my testicles. I take cold showers all summer. It’s about the only way I can cool down enough to get some sleep.

Autumn: It’s like spring, but in reverse. Thunderstorms and tornadoes do happen, but rarely are they strong.

And finally - Winter: Nothing happens in a typical winter. It might snow a couple times in Central OK. And that’s really it. Once or twice every decade, we might get a historic winter storm. But most years are super uneventful and mild. It freezes most nights in deep winter, but only just.

In short, all four seasons are trying to kill you, but winter isn’t trying that hard. Spring and autumn are briefly nice. The average temperature might be 72, but what’s being left out is that it could be 91 on Monday, 49 on Wednesday, and 87 on Saturday. Or it could be between 65 and 75 all week. You never truly know until you get there.

At least it’s not, say, Iowa. I know for a fact their summers are almost as hot as ours, but their winters are waaaaaayyyyy colder.

I’ve tried to tell my wife many times that it is just as hot and humid here as it is where she’s from in Mississippi. Dew point is dew point, no matter where you are. It’s just that the humidity here goes away sooner and stays away for longer. And we don’t typically get tornadoes on Thanksgiving or Christmas. The southeast definitely does.

Anyway, we vacationed in Seattle last September, and - cost of living be damned - now I want to live there. If not for the weather, then at least for the seafood. But I love my nieces and nephews too much to be that far from them.

My dogs sleep at least sixteen hours a day.

The way they let their god get away with everything is why they let their politicians get away with everything, and why they will continue to vote them in, despite those politicians’ track records of enriching themselves and leaving their constituents out to dry.

She told me she didn’t want to hire me but was outvoted. That she really stuck her neck out for me by even letting me come on.

She never trained me to do my job. Just handed me the manuals, told me to read them, then expected near perfection. Never provided any real guidance. Never actually assigned more than a couple tasks to me, then nagged me because I wasn’t doing enough. She made me feel singled out. Like nobody else in the office liked me either.

My dog died in March of '19. I barely got any empathy from her. I turned in my two weeks in early May. I was one more write up from being fired anyway. When I handed her my resignation letter, she looked at me and said, “Are you sure?” I meant to say, “Are you fucking really asking me that?” Instead, I just coldly said, “Yes.” Turned my back, and walked out of her office. I kept my head down for the next couple weeks, collected my last paycheck, and rapid fired applications for the next few months.

Fuck you Sarah. I hope you lose your car keys just badly enough that your morning takes an extra fifteen minutes every day for the rest of your life.

Look, it’s not “all you can eat.” It’s "all you can eat."

“You” is not the subject noun, it’s “all.” You refers to the group of people. The buffet is open to the public, and any paying member of the public may eat. Your honor, the phrase has been misinterpreted all along. It was never about allowing any one person to eat until they no longer can, but about allowing any paying customer to eat the food offered at the buffet.

I rest my case.

At what point is a van so big that it’s a bus?

Whoa, that’s a double nostalgia, all the way. Oh my god, whooo!!

“Han! The odds of avoiding bankruptcy are 4:1!”

“Never tell me the o-oh. Actually, that’s not bad. Yeah, no, let’s keep going.”

Wait until you try bacon grease. Y’all are in for a real treat.

Public transit really brings together all kinds of people. It breaks down barriers and allows people from a variety of backgrounds to mingle.

This is the kind of community unity every place needs. ♥️

The Shawshank Redemption - Clancy Brown

When my wife saw that movie for the first time and hollered out, “That’s Clancy Brown!!” I then knew why his voice was so familiar to me.

So now I’m imagining Mr. Krabs absolutely fed up with and not taking shit from any of these Muppets.

So either that or Airplane! and keep Leslie Nielsen

I can put my life in danger. I can put your life in danger. But I draw the line when you put my life in danger.

But if there’s lots of DnD in Hell, sign me the fuck up.

Still got my PS3. What a great console. Uncharted just has no business looking as good as it does running on hardware as old as the PS3 and being nearly twenty years old.

Watch out. That’s how you create a Slackware user.

It’s not until you hit 40 that all of this kicks in. You go to bed young and spry the night before your 40th and wake up (for all practical purposes) dead.

Imagine the government actually doing something that appeals to millennials.

Them: Be there or be square!

Me:

jk, nobody invites me to things

“It costs $400,000 to fire this weapon…for twelve seconds.”

I present a similar picture of my Thorin.

He got brushed, and I put the hair on his head.