We have decided some brain quirks are disorders (and get accommodations, as is compassionate), whilst others are flaws (and get slurs). But no one picks their hardware. You cannot earn a better prefrontal cortex or deserve a calmer amygdala. Nor does one get to pick the environment they are born in, which will inform their choices later in life. Even the capacity to “learn better” is a roll of the dice, some brains start the race with sprinting shoes, others with lead weights.
So when we call someone stupid, lazy or insane we are not describing a choice, but simply announcing which kinds of unlucky we’ve decided are worthy of scorn.
Glad to hear you’re doing better. And near death experience as a teen sounds like a lot, especially if you didn’t get appropriate support after. But philosophizing isn’t the worst thing you could’ve done, in fact please keep doing that. Crash Course to Philosophy is a nice and engaging starting point if you’re interested.
If it is within your means, no reason to not go see a psychiatrist now if you feel there’s something unresolved there. I realize that’s a slightly privileged invitation these days though.
My snarky recommendation of a psychologist was rude itself, so it’s fair. Though meeting those is way easier than a good psychiatrist from my and especially friends’ experiences. I personally seem stable, thank you.