Yeah, like, even generally those are really tough questions. And every kid is different right? Even among my brothers, I had 5, and they were all different. One was a rebel, one was a golden child, one was a space case… it’s not really possible to be perfect.
But if you’re talking specifically about gender and exploration, I can share my thoughts there. I’m not a parent yet, so I haven’t gone through this, but here’s how I would approach it I think:
First, let’s talk about social experimentation and transition. All of this is pre-medication and would be the first steps of things generally. This is a time to figure out what they want by trying things out, which is something we all do during childhood and adolescence. It can start at any time, and it can fizzle out or keep going.
In general, I would let my kids play with and wear whatever they wanted from a young age. I think it’s important for them to have independence, and I also think that really by pushing them to dress “appropriately” for their gender, you kind of are encouraging that behavior (and implicitly discouraging them exploring themselves). Especially at a young age, kids just decide they like random things in my experience and letting them do that sets them up to not have like, a feeling that it’s “forbidden” for lack of a better word, AND especially it lets your kid know you’re safe. That if they want to try things out more when they’re a teen or later, they can trust you to talk about it and try to work it out together.
To be clear, I would not encourage my kids to experiment or try things at a young age. In fact, I would probably not encourage it at any age. The impulse or the idea should come from them, I wouldn’t want to plant the seed of it. In fact, that’s kind of the “prime directive” that we follow as a trans community: Even if someone seems to be struggling with their gender and asks you if their trans, you have to tell them that this is something only they can figure out. I can tell them about my experience, what I went through, etc. But even if they’re telling me every single symptom of gender dysphoria, the most I would tell them is something like “this really sounds like it could be, you should definitely be seeing a therapist about it and try to work it out and think on it.”
If my kid did bring up the idea of trying something out - like wearing a dress or a binder, trying on makeup, cutting their hair - I would make it clear that I think that’s completely ok. I would not necessarily encourage it. Like, if they said “I’m thinking about cutting my hair short” I wouldn’t say “oh definitely, you should try that, you’ve never had short hair!”. I would instead say something like “for sure, if that’s something you wanna try that’s cool. Let me know, I can take you to a barber.” Or if it sounds like they really want to, but are nervous, I might say “well it sounds like it’s something you want to try. If you’re worried what other people think, I don’t think that should hold you back, it’s completely ok to try things out.”
If it moves forward to full on social transition - that is, trying out a new name and different pronouns, etc. I would respect whatever they asked me to call them and expect others to do that as well. Honestly I would probably like to be part of the name-choosing process, it feels only fair haha! But one thing here is that I would NOT expect everyone else to always get it right, and I would NOT accept them being like, super upset if someone is really trying and they mess up. As a teen I would react way more emotionally to small missteps like that, but as an adult… I misgender myself a lot, lol. Like, I think for a lot of people it’s just mental muscle memory, and it takes time. And this is especially true if they’re like, trying tons of new pronouns or names or switching things up constantly. Like, you can’t both expect everyone to always get it right AND for there not to be a learning period 😝
In all of this, if they try things out and don’t feel happy, I would point that out. If my child thought they were trans and started socially transitioning, but then started really complaining about the things they had to do now, or complaining about missing certain things, I’d note that. I’d specifically be looking for if they were missing certain things due to their new gender role. Like, “I miss playing my sport” is different than “I miss hanging out with the guys and being one of them”, if that makes sense. And if that came up, I would just point out that there’s no reason they can’t do the thing and be trans. Like, if they want to be a guy but wear dresses, or want to be a girl but play football, at least in theory those things should be fine, because from my perspective those aren’t inherently gendered.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If the reason they can’t do certain things that don’t align with their new/old gender is due to society’s rules, then that’s a modifier here. There are high schools that let girls play football and places where it’s acceptable for boys to wear feminine clothing, and there are not, whether we like it or not. So if they’re like “I’m trans, but I still want to do a thing that’s not allowed by my old gender”, I WOULD NOT say “well, that’s the rules, that’s what happens because you’re transitioning”. That puts me on the side of people that made, from their perspective, unjust rules. I would instead say “yeah, that really sucks, I don’t think there’s really a good reason for them to have those rules, other than I think I’d worry for your safety because society is going to discriminate against you if you break them.” Hear them out, let them vent, let them know you support them, but that those are things that just might not change.
So basically, let them try things out, respect whatever they’re doing at the time, let them know they have permission to try things out (within reason). The important thing here is that all of these things are easily reversible. They could decide to try something out one day, and change it back the next. So, there’s really not much harm in trying things out, unless we get all the way to like, legally changing their name or something.
So, onto more permanent things, specifically medical treatment.
First off, I would find a doctor and therapist that is experienced with trans and gender non-conforming youth, and I would also look into and follow the WPATH guidelines (they’re the organization that recommends standards of care for trans adults and minors). These would help me set a baseline of what typical treatment looks like and what to expect.
Surgeries would not happen until they’re an adult. They can wait for that, and frankly a lot of surgeries should wait until they’re older, they are a lot to put on a person.
Hormones I think I would be ok with at a normal time for puberty, AFTER at least a year (and ideally several years) of social transition and blockers. So like, 16 I think is probably the right age, and plenty of people really hit full on puberty a bit late so I think that would be fine. But if they didn’t figure this out until they were 17, I would tell them they should try to wait at least a year before they start hormone therapy, and that maybe we could do hormone blockers in the meantime.
Hormone blockers are trickier. I would trust medical experts the most here, but it makes sense that in general you want to give the child as much time as possible to try things out socially and make sure this is right for them. So, I would probably be ok with starting them when puberty in general starts, and continuing as long as there no major side-effects. And I would absolutely be doing my own research into them to make sure it was safe, wouldn’t have long term effects, etc.
So to sum that up, I would generally be conservative in the sense of trying to give as much time as possible before they make any permanent decisions, and I would do my research and really try to make sure that nothing they’re doing is going to cause permanent harm. But I would also trust my child’s doctors and medical team here.
That’s how I feel about it all right now at least. Let me know if you have any thoughts or questions about this, and like I said before, I think if you were looking at this and saying “well I get why that works for you, but I wouldn’t want to buy my 8 year old son a dress” or “I think my kids would have to wait until 18 to do anything medical,” I do think those are understandable feelings and I would respect the right, as a parent, to parent your kid in the best way that you can. Every kid is different, every path is different, and it’s really hard to know what’s right. There’s lots of extremes out there and sometimes I think it feels like we can’t ever just not know or try our best, and the reality is, we never know and life is hard. You seem like you’re trying, which is more than a lot of people 😊
Yeah, like, even generally those are really tough questions. And every kid is different right? Even among my brothers, I had 5, and they were all different. One was a rebel, one was a golden child, one was a space case… it’s not really possible to be perfect.
But if you’re talking specifically about gender and exploration, I can share my thoughts there. I’m not a parent yet, so I haven’t gone through this, but here’s how I would approach it I think:
First, let’s talk about social experimentation and transition. All of this is pre-medication and would be the first steps of things generally. This is a time to figure out what they want by trying things out, which is something we all do during childhood and adolescence. It can start at any time, and it can fizzle out or keep going.
So basically, let them try things out, respect whatever they’re doing at the time, let them know they have permission to try things out (within reason). The important thing here is that all of these things are easily reversible. They could decide to try something out one day, and change it back the next. So, there’s really not much harm in trying things out, unless we get all the way to like, legally changing their name or something.
So, onto more permanent things, specifically medical treatment.
So to sum that up, I would generally be conservative in the sense of trying to give as much time as possible before they make any permanent decisions, and I would do my research and really try to make sure that nothing they’re doing is going to cause permanent harm. But I would also trust my child’s doctors and medical team here.
That’s how I feel about it all right now at least. Let me know if you have any thoughts or questions about this, and like I said before, I think if you were looking at this and saying “well I get why that works for you, but I wouldn’t want to buy my 8 year old son a dress” or “I think my kids would have to wait until 18 to do anything medical,” I do think those are understandable feelings and I would respect the right, as a parent, to parent your kid in the best way that you can. Every kid is different, every path is different, and it’s really hard to know what’s right. There’s lots of extremes out there and sometimes I think it feels like we can’t ever just not know or try our best, and the reality is, we never know and life is hard. You seem like you’re trying, which is more than a lot of people 😊