The earliest time I remember her talking about it, I think I was like 8 or 9 years old…
She kept talking about that when she had my older brother, and later me, and she told me being pregnant was hurting her back. And when she had me, whe told me about being worried about the authorities finding out about the 2nd pregnancy and lived those like 9 months in fear.
And she told me about about the C-Section that she had twice for both of me and my older brother, and that she said it hurts a lot.
And like, then she literally lift up her shirt and showed me where she was cut open and like… idk showing scars feel so weird… but I guess she treated it like a battle scar or something… idk…
I remember feeling so bad about it and I felt like I loved her more as a mother.
Then she kept like repeating it every so often and I’m just thinking like: hmm… is this some weird emotional manipulation thing? and it just gets very weird every time she talks about it, and it always ends with something like “I suffered so much for you, you need to ‘behave’ and listen to me” and “if I didn’t have you, I’d be much healthier”
Like I lost count how many times she’ve retold the story, like 20 times at least. I remember being told of it at least once a year. Like I’d talk about my birthday and talk and she’s like: “Oh yea that’s the day I went through so much pain to have you” and “you should take me to have tea/dimsum” (okay this part, it was sometimes said as a “joke”, I was a dependent, of course I couldn’t buy her anything lol)
So I felt so guilty every time I talk about birthday celebrations… cuz like I feel like I owe her or something.
My mom cuddles with me so much as a kid, and physical affection was supposedly not “common” amongst asians (? or so I heard, it’s not like I went around asking classmates), so like… idk… this flip-flip from affectionate loving mother to “I sacrificed so much for you, we [as in parents, my materal grandparents] all love you so much do you know that? 🤗” then sometimes the verbal abuse randomly happens and it really just messes with my brain so fucking much.
Coming from a similar background, just know, you deserve your own security, including mentally. You did nothing wrong. You are enough. And most importantly, the good times don’t mean the bad abusive times are okay. Abuse can be physical, verbal, emotional, mental, and lots of blame, shame, and neglect can be abuse.
Treating someone okay sometimes doesn’t justify treating them badly. It is your parents responsibility to raise you too. You had no choice in the matter. It’s okay to explain the story to you, but not to expect you to essentially worship what they did. They chose to have a baby, they need to raise you. There’s no gold medals for doing that expectation aside from the joy of seeing your child become a wonderful human.
Regarding the abuse, including the confusing instability of behavior towards you, don’t let it turn into a bad habit where you constantly feel the need to cling to someone. The abuse and neglect and confusion can make relationships difficult, and may cause you to overthink them later in life and worry about things that harm your future relationships.
Try to center yourself and meditate on how you feel, allow your thoughts time they need to process, and try to truly feel how your body feels.
Wish you the best. Hang in there.