I believe this is something only each of us can answer, because where each person draws the line is always going to be different, or am I wrong?
I don’t know if I’m being reasonable with my red lines:
My parents are conservative Mexican. I was raised with Christian dogmas and clear social roles (men don’t cook or do the laundry, only women do). To my parents and people like them, family, or what they think of as family, comes always first: It is imperative we all meet several times a year, even if you don’t want to, because that’s what we’re supposed to do. I’m expected to attend, to pretend I like my extended family (people I have nothing in common with), to “do it for them” (for my parents, in the past this form of emotional manipulation worked, since 4 months it doesn’t anymore). I hated that as a child and if I ever have children I won’t put them to such BS.
My grandfather was mentally ill and insulted me, my siblings and my mother for most of my childhood until he died, while my father enabled that pos. In Mexico it is expected that families take care of such issues within the family, because asking for help elsewhere means the family loses face. I’ve already told my parents that if they ever become psychologically unstable and start insulting and ranting no stop, I’m not going to take care of them, I’m calling APS. I don’t know if they registered it when I said it.
Maybe because I was raised in such a strict, self censoring and conformist family I now want to defend my independence at any cost. Cue meeting people halfway or being a doormat.
If a woman I’m dating asks me to do “something for her”, my first instinct will be to run no looking back and ghost. If I stay trying to convince her that’s not a good idea explaining why, that means in my book she already manipulated me into listening to her and that she can keep manipulating me. I don’t know if this is self sabotage, but I see it as self defense.
If a woman I’m dating asks me about my parents and the issue of providing for elderly parents is discussed, it wouldn’t make any sense to sugarcoat it, I’d say what I just wrote here. If she accuses me of being a psychopath and starts with “they’re your parents”, as if that was a reason good enough to forgive everything in the past, I’d run and ghost. I don’t know if you see this as self sabotage, but I see it as self defense.
There are other examples I’ve heard at the workplace over couple problems that to me are simply ludicrous and would make me want to run away:
he wanted Chinese, she wanted Mexican and couldn’t agree what restaurant to call. My solution would be to order what I want, telling my partner to order what she wants. Why must we order from the same restaurant? Why so much drama over something so insignificant? Or she can order what she wants and I can cook.
She made weekend plans without telling him beforehand, he wanted to rest, grab a beer, go fishing and do nothing else. She wanted to have lunch with another couple (double date), he said no, because he wanted a quiet weekend and suggested she goes alone with the couple. She started yelling about not doing things together.
But why must couples do everything together? Why is doing things separately not a good idea? He gets his peace and she gets to socialize.
If meeting somebody halfway means doing something I don’t want to do, I don’t want a relationship with this person.
If a person I’m dating feels entitled to try to change me, I don’t see how a relationship would work. Am I a narcissist?
Otherwise you’d have to pay double the delivery fee or drive to two different places to pick up the orders, which might not be ready at the same time. There are advantages to cooperating on things.
If you aren’t doing things together, that’s a different sort of relationship than if you are. It’s valid to want one or the other, but should probably be on the same page about it with your partner.
To me most of the draw of a relationship, romantic or otherwise, is the opportunity to work together to make both of your lives better, to have someone you trust to care how you feel and who has your back, and who you can do the same for them. Playing a role in someones life can be a satisfying responsibility to fulfill and worthwhile, but it should ideally be something you actively choose to be responsible for. It sounds like what you’re struggling with is that because of your upbringing you have a hard time seeing that sort of responsibility as anything other than something that you get roped into due to circumstances, tradition, guilt and manipulation, but it doesn’t have to be like that. Sometimes someone asking you for help is because they trust you and know you want to help, rather than trying to take advantage and control you.
That said, you don’t have to want to work towards that either, it’s also fine if you want a sort of relationship where you keep a lot of distance from each other, just find someone who also wants that instead of someone hoping for something else.